Sexuality
by sosise
Summary: A journey how the couple become a couple and embrace their sexuality. Tezuka X Fuji. or maybe reverse. not yet known.
1. Chapter 1

_Have you ever wonder what is your sexual preference? (Bi, Gay, Hetero)_

_We live in an open world. So I am gladly saying it here. _

_Congratulations to those who has already known what they want. _

_I am still searching here and I am a girl. Am I hetero, homo, or bi? _

_What do you call a girl who can imagine sleeping with man but also imagine kissing a girl? Help me! Ahahahaha. _

Enjoy!

______________________

"Maybe we should just hook up together."

Tezuka stared hard at Fuji following the comment that make his (Tezuka's) heart leaped a beat. They were studying beside the library window pane. The exam is next week, and they were together on the pretext of group studying. Fuji was still smiling, despite his shocking statement.

Outside the window was a view from 4th floor, a windy day of summer. The wind blew the leaves away from the tree, which made it looked like it will be bald soon. Autumn was coming. People were going home, laughter and voices filled the air. But the library, where silence reigns, kept its nature. There were only some other students left, those bookworms and nerds who actually run from reality and hide behind the stack of textbooks.

Sitting in peace were Fuji Syuusuke, the tensai and Tezuka Kunimitsu, the stoic buchou. It was unusual for Fuji to stay behind the library. He usually will be on the ground, either joking with Eiji or going home with Takashi. Fuji is almost always is the centre of life; be it in class or court. It was their second year of junior high school; they were aiming for the best. Seishun Gakuen Tennis Club has started to get popular since they now have formidable cards such as the almost pro—Tezuka and the tensai Fuji. They have new members coming in, and two particularly caught their attention.

Come back to Fuji. Fuji was bored. He was the one who suggested going to the library on study pretext. It was unusual, and actually not needed. Fuji Syuusuke is the tensai, both in tennis and study. He only needs to spend a night on the materials to get the perfect marks. Study is neither his hobby nor his habit. It was just today… was special.

He saw Tezuka rejected by Oishi just now, in their class.

Fuji could sense the feeling their buchou had for his best friend. Oishi Suichiro is the gentle, kind and respectable boy. He smiles like a mother. People looked up to him as he always takes good care of any relationship he had. Tezuka is no exception. Blessed with no communication ability, Tezuka only can excel in court. Outside it, he was just an introvert, scary and moody boy. Oishi made the first move and most of their relationship somehow worked out. Oishi could bring the friendly and loyal self of the bespectacled guy. That was what made their relationship lasted so good and long. No wonder the innocent guy fell in love. Maybe it was a crush, since they are still young, but Tezuka has finally said to himself that it is love and gathered his courage to confess. But well, he was rejected. Oishi has already set his heart for the acrobatic cat, Eiji Kikumaru.

Fuji was also having the same bad day. He was going out with Takashi Kawamura, the gentle Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of Kawamura Sushi until the hour before. It has been a year since Kawamura confessed to him. And they had been going out for 8 months. It was fun; Fuji liked the feeling of being spoiled by the older and bigger guy, while Kawamura enjoyed having a very lovely little cat in his arms. Both started to feel like that was the real love you see on TV. It was a secret, of course, but most of their circle of friend (the second years of Seishun Gakuen Tennis Club) know and recognize them. It seemed like Fuji and Kawamura will spend the rest of the high school as a couple.

But again, the reality is always unpredictable. Kawamura's father found out, and instead of hitting his son like a normal traditional family, he broke down.

"_I know this is hard, Takashi."_ He said, "_But please… be normal. We need someone to take over the family business. It has been ours for generations and it is a shame to end it in my time… at least please be a gay after I die."_

Kawamura Takashi is a gentle boy. He wouldn't want to hurt anybody, especially his parent. He already broke his parent's hearts when he said he loves tennis better than making sushi. He was very grateful when they made an exemption for him every school day to practice tennis in Seishun Gakuen. His gentle dad was crying in front of him, how he could let that be? As a filial child, he is a failure. In the end, he told Fuji that he wanted a break up, an hour before.

The smiling Fuji turned sour. He slapped Takashi and went out of the class, just to see Tezuka being rejected by Oishi. He suddenly felt like he wasn't as bad as Tezuka, who was being rejected even before he had received the mutual feeling. So, out of sympathy and pity, Fuji invited Tezuka to brood together in the library.

That was how the two of them hooked up together. Well, kinda.

________________

On the pretext of study for the exam, Fuji visited Tezuka's house that Sunday. Fuji was smiling, thinking of how should he attack Tezuka today. They haven't done anything other than kissing since they hooked up (kinda) three days ago. Well, of course it maybe too fast, but both are boys in the highest libido state; so no wonder if Fuji was hoping something will happened that day.

"Welcome in, Fuji-kun." Tezuka's mother opened the door. Fuji smiled, bottling the laughter inside. He could see where Tezuka inherits the stoic face of his; his mother looked like him but female one. Tezuka was standing by the hall, looking at his mother, then Fuji. When he saw Fuji, he blushed.

"A…A…You come."

"Yes, I come. Weren't we supposed to study together, Tezuka-kun?" Fuji smiled sweetly. Tezuka's mother nodded and ushered them into her son's room and said she will be back with tea and snack.

Fuji sat down by the small table.

"What a clean and tidy room." he smiled. Fuji said to himself that the room was almost as boring as Tezuka. It is impolite to say or even think about that, but Fuji, being Fuji, who could do everything perfectly since small, has developed a habit on looking down on people. But Fuji knows how to control himself, so most people couldn't read his true thinking.

"We can get started."

Tezuka sat down furthest away from Fuji, grabbing his book as far as possible from Fuji's reach. Fuji stared suspiciously.

"Are you avoiding me?"

"N..No."

"We are going out. What are you shying about?"

"No… I mean…"

He was saved from explaining by his mother's entrance. After she left them with enough snack (healthy kind) and green tea, she left the room. everything was done in a formal way, and Fuji started to think that maybe upbringing did bring something to Tezuka's personality.

"So?" Fuji moved closer to Tezuka's side. "What were you trying to say?"

"…Maybe… are we really going out?"

"What? We are! Well, we hooked up three days ago, remember? You said yes to my statement."

"then… maybe I was wrong. Maybe I wasn't myself. Because I just couldn't… imagine you, Fuji."

"Wha…what do you mean?" Fuji was startled.

"I… honestly, I can imagine Oishi in my arms. But I just can't imagine you, Fuji. I know I like Oishi because I know his personality and I like it from him. But you.. We are not really close, you see… and I don't think I am a gay after all."

"…Are you joking with me?"

"I am serious. And I think it's improper for you too. Kawamura san was almost crying when you hold my hand in front of the club yesterday. Wasn't it too fast? Didn't you just break up with him?"

"… What do you understand? And why you suddenly decide that you are not gay?" Fuji pierced the other boy with his blue eyes.

Tezuka blushed.

"I… just couldn't… imagine you in my imagination."

Fuji froze. Many reasons for that, mainly: 1. he didn't know that Tezuka is a pervert. 2. He didn't expect Tezuka to be a masturbation slave. 3. Tezuka said he couldn't imagine him. 4. Is he not sexy enough? 5. He didn't know that Tezuka is a romanticist who determines his masturbation images based on love.

"Then... what decide that you are gay, Fuji?"

Fuji was silenced for a minute before answered, ".. it's my secret. I am going home." Fuji stood up, taking all his belongings and out of the room. He shouted before he slammed the door, "You are a jerk, Tezuka Kunimitsu!"

* * *

TBC.

written on a night when insecurities and uncertainity kicked me on my ass.

Thank you for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

_Just today I decided to ask my friend about my preference. I ask, "What do you think I am?"_

_She straight away answered; "You are hetero!" but she was silent for a moment. And then she whispered. "or… maybe bi."_

_I was laughing, but she added a statement that made me stop. _

"_If you are a homo, then stay away from me."_

Enjoy! (Please make in mind they are teenagers who very emotional; although they looked like mature university student in the real POT, LOL.)

__________

_That jerk! Tezuka Kunimitsu, my ass!_

Fuji Syuusuke stomped his way to home. He was in a really bad moo since he was ust receive a big shock—another conformation.

_What an ass? Saying I am not attractive enough? Don't he know I am the tensai?!_

Fuji knows that it wasn't true. He looked good, he could be a very engaging company, he could do almost everything perfectly, and he is the epitome of perfect. Tezuka should have been more satisfied with him rather than the egg-head Oishi.

But yet, it was another form of conformation. That no matter how perfect he is, nobody gonna accept him. Nobody gonna stay. Nobody gonna ever truly see what he is underneath all those perfect-ness.

_Is it my life? _

Fuji knows he was actually quite different. His first crush was his own brother. It is sickening and he himself felt awful too. But holding Yuuta's hand cheered him up, spending time with Yuuta never bored him out, and making Yuuta looked at him in awe always made him happy beyond believe. He initially thought it was just a brother complex, and he was a small child, he didn't think too much. But then, when anybody except him showed Yuuta any affection, Fuji became restless. It will worsen if Fuji found out that Yuuta actually like the affection. Fuji felt the green feeling, the jealous, the envy. He doesn't like how they showered his Yuuta with affection and love, even the one which come from their parents. He didn't like how Yuuta reacted to it. He didn't like himself for being jealous over his parent affection on Yuuta, yet at the same time jealous as the love their parent shown for Yuuta will make Yuuta more attached to them than Fuji himself.

He wanted all those affection and Yuuta for himself.

He graduated from those chronic complex feelings, though. Since he started tennis, he could feel better in many ways, mostly since he could spend more time outside of the home, reducing his time meeting Yuuta. He could show that he is one of the best in tennis, and also he could get all the attention he need by socializing with the whole gang, namely Eiji and others. Especially he enjoyed the shower of affection from Kawamura Takashi, whom confessed to him.

He was scared at first. Fuji knows he has no problem personally by going out with Takashi since he himself like guys, but he is troubled by the prospect of his parent found out. They had already despite him since his childhood, what will they say if they know that their son is actually a gay? Fuji may end up on street. Fuji didn't want to make his parent have a strong reason to kick him out.

_In the end, everybody will reject me. _

_______

Tezuka stared at the ceilings. The yellow ball in his hand was squashed into its limit. The face of Fuji Syuusuke, his current boyfriend, flashed in his mind.

_You are a jerk, Tezuka Kunimitsu!_

Tezuka sighed. It was no need for Fuji to call him like that. He knows he is always the jerk. He couldn't socialize; people thought he is arrogant and cold. He was brought up in a silent environment, everything is traditional and formal. He wasn't used to the informal way of friendship. In the end he preferred to stay in the background. He was always alone, until Oishi made friend with him. He was very thankful to Oishi about that. He thought it was a love. But then, he realized something.

After Fuuji said 'let's go out' 3 days ago, Tezuka started to think. Fuji said those words so easily and made Tezuka wonder, what is love? Why is it so easy for a person to choose whom he is going out with? Wasn't the purpose of going out is to know each other better and prepared for a wedding? Wasn't it supposed to be very formal, well prepared and one must think carefully before entering the stage? So why… is Fuji can asked him out that easy? It made Tezuka felt a bit disappointed. His expectation of love and dating is different from the world.

He never really noticed Fuji, honestly. All he knows about the smiling tensai is that Fuji Syuusuke is a perfect, fake façade. He once read that perfect people are actually those who are unsecured, never have been loved. People are imperfect because they know that no matter what they do wrong, there will be someone who still love and receive them. Perfect people are people whom driven by insecurities due to lack of love and fall into false perception that perfection will make them loved by others.

He never noticed Fuji because Fuji is very unreal.

And he just started to notice Fuji's real face when Fuji shut the door in front of him, calling him a jerk to his face.

That angry face… stayed in his head, making Tezuka frowned.

He just couldn't forget that angry Fuji. It felt somehow better than the smiling one.

______________

Fuji came home to the usual empty house.

Not bothering of noticing anybody he was back, Fuji spread himself on the wooden floor.

_Tezuka… jerk! _

But that jerk's face stayed inside his mind. Even when he was going out with Takashi, he never have Takashi's face hanging around the ceilings like this.

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid Tezuka_!

________________

Fuji didn't know how to face the bespectacled captain the next day, but he somehow wanted to see the stoic boy again. Just see. Just to see the line of his jaw, the glasses and the black eyes.

He eventually found Tezuka standing underneath the biggest tree by the school's garden. But he wasn't alone, there was a girl there.

Fuji needs not be a tensai to work out what was happening. Tezuka was being confessed by a girl. Tezuka was blushing a bit, and the girl asked him to reply her in a week.

when the girl was out of the vision, Fuji came out and touched Tezuka's shoulder. Shocked, the stoic boy screamed a bit. Fuji Syusuke laughed.

"What, are you that surprised?"

"Fuji! Don't scare me like that!"

"Well... I just didnt want to ruin the confession, Tezuka. let me see... oh, you got a letter! Let me open it!"

"Fuji! Stop!"

"Come on, it's just a peek... it won't hurt!"

"Fuji, this is rude to her. I dont like this, so please stop."

Fuji felt his anger burst out again. He didn't know why, but everytime he was with Tezuka, he will ended up being angry, and possesive. Like Yuuta.

"So, you think you are not being rude to me? I am the one whom you are going out with! Why don't you tell her you have me already?"

Tezuka was silent. Fuji took it as a deviant. So that's means Tezuka didn't actually think they are going out.

"Fine." Fuji spoked coldly. "Just break up with me and go along with that girl. Let's see whether you are a gay or a straight. This will be very interesting."

* * *

TBC

Fuji has become so OoC. I am sorry.

Written with stomach so hurt it felt like dying. Why does woman bleed monthly?


	3. Chapter 3

_Many supports I received made me happy. Thank you. _

_But normality seemed to rule the society, no? _

_What is defined by normal, I wonder. For me, a normal is something that wouldn't disappoint your parent. A conservative family I had, they never heard the word homo. I bet they'll get a massive heart burn if they heard that statement._

_So I opted for hetero. _

_Well, yeah. Maybe. I don't know. LOL. _

Enjoy!

* * *

Time passed by like a cotton candy for Tezuka. Fluffy, pink and sweet, the world of dating enveloped him comfortably. But the second he tasted it, the sweetness gone; changed into an emptiness in his mind and he needs more.

Maybe it was because of the exam week; both he, Fuji and the girl were having their mid-exam. As a student, naturally Tezuka chose to study rather than hanging out with the girl. The girl seemed to understand and respected Tezuka's wish, letting their important quality time filled with books and notes. Tezuka felt good. This is the way it supposed to be. I respect you, you respect me, we respect each other. The girl seemed to be like his mother, and this is normal.

Not like when he was with Fuji. Although it was only 5 days, Fuji has bombarded him with so much information and crossed the boundary he had set between him and the world so many times. Fuji had made him felt more in 5 days compare to what he felt with Oishi for 6 months. Not in a romantic way, of course, more like a slap of reality.

Tezuka sometimes, just sometimes, wondered actually what is happening with Fuji. Knowing him just for 5 days only, he already knows that Fuji won't just let him go like that. He must be planning something. Tezuka started to peek at the corner, waiting eagerly (not that he will agree) for a smiling shadow stalking him.

However, he was greeted with disappointment when he found no one was following him. Fuji seemed to be so distant. People reasoned that exam has made changes in people, and they oversee the fact that Fuji has become more reserved.

The girl caught him thinking alone so many times that she started to felt insecure. And to proof her value, she asked for a date in the Sunday after the exam. Which Tezuka felt compelled to say yes. So they are going for a date.

Tezuka looked himself at the mirror, repeating to himself that this is 'normal'. He is a guy and he is dating a woman. This is what it is supposed to be. Adam and eve.

But something felt wrong. He couldn't tell, but it's just something felt so wrong.

_______________

Fuji was restless and every time he saw the girl beside Tezuka, he wanted to slap, kick and hurt the girl until she promised she would never touched the bespectacled boy anymore. The feeling was so great that Fuji started to recognize the pattern. This is similar to what he has for his brother last time.

Jealousy.

And Fuji was scared. Honestly, even with Takashi he never felt this way. And he started to feel guilty. Why he didn't feel like this for Takashi, who has showered him so many love and affection? Why did he felt this sensation with a jerk who ditched him after 5 days?

He started to distant himself from Tezuka's class, Tezuka's locker, and finally, the school. He avoided places that Tezuka might be found. Luckily it was an exam week and he has the reason to be reserved. Blame everything on exam, everyone, because exam burned your brain to its membrane and you are left with nothing except physics formulae.

After successfully avoid the boy and his new girlfriend for 4 days, however, Fuji found them once again in a very awkward time. He overheard that they were going out for a date this weekends. His heart thumped louder while it was still hurting.

Tezuka said yes so easily to the girl. That made Fuji thought something else. Blame it on his young and emotional mind; he just suddenly took the conclusion that Tezuka might actually be someone who never said no to a request. That's why he accepted Fuji last time, just because Fuji asked him straight to his face.

Stupid.

Fuji ran from the place where Tezuka and the girl started kissing. Stupid.

Although he is hurt (and think Tezuka is the biggest nerd, jerk, asshole ever) but he still wanted to kiss Tezuka like that.

Jealousy. Stupid.

_______

Fuji planned to stay at home that Sunday, refusing to go anywhere with a perfect chace to see a scene that might break his fragile heart once more. He stayed at home, spending the time taking pictures of his own bed.

Pathetic.

"Hi!" Suddenly the door opened, and the famous lady-killer, Fuji's childhood friend, Saeki, comes in. "How'r u doin?"

"…what are you doing here?" Fuji smiled his usual face. Between wary for a newcomer in his room and a happy feeling because he could greet somebody that will positively made him forget Tezuka for some hours, Fuji was torn to either kick him out, or thanked the sudden guest's appearance.

"Hey, don't be that harsh… I am here of course to see you, honey." The boy could read his friend's mind, and blinked friendly.

Fuji laughed. The taller boy was his neighbour; he moved somewhere in 3 years ago. But occasionally, he will barge into Fuji's room like this whenever he was around the area. It just felt natural since he has been doing that since they were kindergarten. And of course, Saeki is as straight as a wood.

"what'ddya doin? Photoing your desk? Nothing to do? Bored? Ha! Let's hang out! I will introduce you to my newest girlfriend!"

"… How much girlfriend do you have this month?" Fuji asked, knowing that the lady killer will have a string of female's names for his changing partners every week.

Saeki opened his hand. And counted. "One, …two… ehm… three… well, this is the fifth this month."

"You still can't count." Fuji mocked him. "after 3 is 4."

"I know, I know." Saeki scowled. "You fu*king tensai!"

Fuji smiled at the rude statement. He was used to it. "Thank you."

Saeki smiled and patted his childhood friend's back. "so; what's for this week? You look pale. You were having the exam, right? So… how's it?"

"…uhm… nothing was interesting…" Fuji started to recount what happened. "Except if you count I broke up an interesting thing."

"You WHAT, sorry?" Saeki widened his eyes. "Broke up?"

"Yeah. With my boyfriend."

"Haha." Saeki laughed so heartily. "Maybe you mean girlfriend. Well, dude, its life! There are so many other women outside there, cheer up!"

"No, I said boyfriend."

"…" Saeki's brain failed to process the information. "You said what? Boy—B-O-Y friend? As in Boy—male?"

"Yeah. I am glad you can spell now, Saeki." Fuji enjoyed the reaction, but he regretted that he confessed the truth the next minute. Saeki was so pale and shocked as id Fuji just told him he has AIDS.

"What… I beg your pardon… You are …GAY?"

The way Saeki pronounced the word made Fuji felt uneasy.

"So?" Fuji challenged the fir haired boy. "You don't like me because I am gay?"

"What happened?" Suddenly Saeki grabbed his childhood friend's frail but muscular shoulder. "Were you attacked by some older woman? Or was it a sempai? Were you traumatized by woman? Oh; poor Syuusuke!"

Fuji was frozen at the reaction. Hey, he didn't mention anything about hating woman in general, didn't he? Fuji hated the girl who dated Tezuka all right, but he didn't say he hated all women. He still likes his sister and his female classmates.

"Poor you! I will show you that not all woman as bad as you thought! Come, I'll introduce you to my girl and her friends! They are good!" Saeki was dead-set at his own misconception and panickly called his girlfriend from his mobile. "hallo? Mitsuki? Can you meet me at the usual place in 2 hours? Can you bring your friends too? I will bring mine. Yeah, uhm. Fine. Ok, see you, honey."

"Wait!" Fuji grabbed Saeki's wrist. But it was too late, and the call has been made. "I never said I hate woman!"

"But you are, if you are Gay. Nobody wants to become gay if they don't have a reason."

Saeki's statement punched Fuji in the gut. Was it the reason he become gay? He always thought that he is a natural; he never questioned why.

And because he was so shocked by the statement, he let himself be dressed up by Saeki and dragged away to the crowd; the places he initially intended to avoid in order to not meeting any creature named Tezuka Kunimitsu.

____________

Fuji went with Saeki to the 'usual place'. Two girls apparently have been waiting there. One looked like a sexy onee-sama type and the other one looked like the meek, lovely timid little sister. The onee-sama girl smiled at Saeki when she saw him, and when they locked their hands, a 4 minutes kissing session started.

Fuji sighed. His friend is a show-off kind of guy. And he met a showy girl. What a perfect couple. Fuji wouldn't be surprised if they will go to hotel now. But he was greeted by the timid girl. She was wearing lacy stuff, heavy layered and full of PINK ribbon. It hurts Fuji's eyes, but he closed his eyes when he smiled, so he was actually fine.

They introduced themselves to each other. Fuji started to relax. The girl is quite similar to what Tezuka have in his arms right now. And the height is perfect; the girl is smaller than him. He will look masculine if they walked together. So be it.

Fuji noticed the difference between him ad the girl. The girl is softer than him, with hands so breakable that Fuji intended to try and see. She smelled sweet, although Fuji didn't really like the scent. She was ok, but Fuji really hates those girls who wear half bottle of perfume just to impress the other party's olfactory (smelling) senses. She is feminine, and the way she laughed is so reserved and polite but in a way, reminded Fuji of a shrieking dog. He was being sarcastic there. She is pale and milky compared to him, and that was the standard of beauty, wasn't it? She is a beauty by community standard. Fuji should have been contented with the girl.

"see?" Saeki whispered to Fuji. "Woman is always better."

Fuji smiled sarcastically at the taller boy. "Yeah." He whispered back, "If only I prefer mountain rather than bare land."

Saeki laughed heartily. "let's watch something."

* * *

TBC

Written at 3 AM in the morning because Fuji and the plot haunted me.

Thank you for reading. Fuji might cross dress next chapt.


	4. Chapter 4

_I am rambling about my sexual preference. How about yours?_

_Think about it. Let me explain the pro and cons in my head when I was thinking about this._

_When you are a bi, you have more options—you can go both ways. You can enjoy kissing soft mountains or hairy flat area. _

_When you are a homo, you may not produce offspring and it is a great help. 1. less pollution to earth. 2. can adopt unfortunate child. _

_When you are a hetero, you may produce your own offspring and lead a 'normal' life. _

_This is not all the reason I have, but the most prominent one. Which one do you choose?_

Enjoy!

_________________

They were planning to watch a movie in a crowded city cinema. It was Sunday, and of course, couples and students filled the place like an overfilled sardine can. Fuji tried to be a gentleman by holding the girl's arm, balancing between himself and the queue, trying to get his ticket.

Who said Japanese is polite? In a place like that, Japanese seemed to have forgotten their nationality stereotype by being rushed and harsh. Fuji was knocked from his side and lost his balance.

"Sorry." Fuji said politely to the guy he fallen into, and found out that once again, the fate played a cruel joke on him. It was Tezuka on action, holding his girlfriend's while having a popcorn carton on the other hand.

"Fuji?" Tezuka blushed at the sudden appearance of his ex. "What are you doing here?"

Fuji regained his balance and filled with either jealousy or just surprise, he pulled the Lolita girl and smooch her cheek. "I am on a date too. With this girl."

The girl blushed. She never expected that the tensai she just knew for 2 hours would call her his girlfriend. Anyway, Fuji is cute and a gentleman, why would she reject him?

Tezuka felt something stings his chest. And then his stomach hurts. Like last time when he was in exam. It was tension that made him like that. His girlfriend sensed it and held the popcorn container for Tezuka.

"Are you ok, Kunimitsu-san?"

The name made Fuji flinched. She called Tezuka by his first name. That's cheating. Fuji hasn't even called Tezuka his first name yet. Feeling mad because he was loosing to a plain girl like Tezuka's current girlfriend, he looked away. At the same time, Saeki came with four drinks and two popcorn containers. "Sorry for waiting. This is for you and her… share the popcorn, ok?" Saeki haven't seen the Seigaku's captain yet, and he shoved Fuji the tickets. "You were so long I thought you were gone. I got you some tickets. Oh, Tezuka-san! Fancy meets you here!"

________________

They ended up watching the same movie. Tezuka was seated on a row in front of them, and Fuji's seat was directly behind him. The movie was about… something. Fuji didn't even bother to see, what he did was looking and copying what Tezuka did. Tezuka hold the girl's hand, so did Fuji. The girl smiled and snuggled to Tezuka's arm, so did the Lolita girl to Fuji. Tezuka smiled, so did Fuji.

_Is this the feeling that Tezuka felt when holding a woman? _Fuji asked himself. _Soft, fluffy, … but weird._

Fuji is a natural. He felt hetero relationship the same way hetero people view homo couple. Just as homo-phobic people tend to feel disgust when touching the same gender, so does Fuji to the _other_ gender. Make sense? It never makes any sense. But that's how he thinks about stuff since he could think of love. He prefers a man to hold rather than a girl to snuggle.

_But Tezuka is straight…_ Fuji sighed. _So he likes this. Snuggling to a soft chest. _

Fuji swallowed bitterly. In no way his flat and muscular chest can be compared to the soft and fluffy mountains. So he better give up. There are plenty of others out there, who will treat him like what Takashi did…

But he wants Tezuka. That's the different.

He used to go out with Takashi Kawamura. The boy is more mature and serious than him. More innocent, sure; but really likes Fuji from his deepest heart. Fuji's every whims were met with satisfaction. Be inside Takashi's arms made Fuji felt really good. But 'good' in warm way, not contented. It's like being hugged by your parents, not like lovers. The desire wasn't there, the sensation wasn't there; it's just a plain warm feeling. It's like being embraced by your pet.

It's impolite to Takashi if Fuji being honest, so naturally, to conserve the relationship, he pretended like he liked Takashi back. And he was shocked to found out that he was being rejected by someone who he went out with (well, to be honest) out of pity.

The day ended like trance. Fuji didn't pay much attention and when the girl asked his phone number, he gave a bogus one. But to compensate the way she (unconsciously) had helped him through the day, Fuji gave her a kiss on the cheek.

And Tezuka saw that.

_______________

Strange. Tezuka felt his chest tightened. Where was he? Why was it all dark?

_Tezuka…. Here! _

Fuji's voice called him. Tezuka looked back and found Fuji in a plain white dress.

_Fuji? Why are you wearing a dress?_

Fuji smiled delicately. _Of course I am wearing a dress! I am a woman!_

A woman? Tezuka wondered. He looked closer. Yes, Fuji looked softer. His hair blew softly and his eyelashes… were they that long? Why is Fuji felt shorter? Why is he felt so soft? and wearing a dress really suited him.

Fuji chuckled and took Tezuka's hand, placed it on his chest. _See? Feel it for yourself._

Soft. Plump. Cupped nicely in his hand. Tezuka blushed.

_This is inappropriate!_

_Why? _Fuji smiled innocently.

_Because you can only let the one you love touch you!_

_But I love you! _Fuji smiled. _And you love me, so we are even. And we are together. So what's the problem?_ Fuji titled his head and looked sadly at his feet. _Or am I the only one who feels love?_

_Fuji… No! I love you too! _

_Really? _Fuji lighted up, and hugged Tezuka. _I love you so much! _

Tezuka could feel something between his legs burst out. And he needs to go to toilet.

His eyes snapped open. "FUJI!"

______________

It was a weird wet dream. Tezuka blushed while washing his undergarment. It was wet, like, really wet. The blanket was also wet. All because a dream so vivid about Fuji in a white dress. Just from imagining hugging the delicate tensai, he blushed. Without even doing anything, he came like collapsed water tank. And he never felt so satisfied before.

"Tezuka, what are you doing?"

Tezuka was shocked and turned around, to find his mother stared at him from the dark corridor. So like a scene from a horror movie. Tezuka sighed.

"No, nothing, mom. I am just washing." Tezuka tried his best to hide the wet undergarment.

"Washing what?"

"My pants." Honest child, Tezuka answered straight away.

His mother silenced and patted him. "Just go back sleep. I'll wash it for you."

"But that's!" Tezuka snapped. He wouldn't let his mother washed his dirty desire.

"It's fine, I understand." His mother smiled. "But I wonder who could make you matured up like this."

_I wonder too, mom. _Tezuka whispered in his heart. It wasn't his girlfriend, it wasn't Oishi. It was a girl with closed eyes and long eyelashes, the effeminate tensai who perfected in both study and tennis. His fellow tennis club member.

It was Fuji.

_But Fuji got a girlfriend now…_

Tezuka didn't realize the fact that actually he had one too.

* * *

TBC.

Written while thinking about religion. Why none of them approved something other than hetero?

Thank you for reading. This is a fiction. Made by me. so if my grammar didn't improve... just forgive me.


	5. Chapter 5

_Is a sentence called 'I love you' the magic word?_

_The magic word that makes your body felt hot and clumsy and you will let the speaker touched you all over, kissed you all over, and have sex with you? _

_What is sex, by the way?_

_Enjoy!_

_

* * *

_

Fuji stared at the ceilings. He was inside Tezuka's arm, and it was already 6 in the morning. Today is the third day of the new school year, and today they would receive the new students for the tennis club.

Tezuka wriggled a bit. Fuji stayed still, letting Tezuka adjusted himself and slept back. They still have time, since the school started at 9.00 am this week. Tezuka's mouth felt o close near his parietal bone. He could feel his hair tickled Tezuka's nose. But Tezuka seemed to like it, so he let him be.

It has been a year since the day they met in the cinema, and ten months month since they came back together. Fuji twisted his lips. He wanted to frown, but he also wanted to laugh. It was so funny and out of character of the stoic buchou. But Tezuka was actually a virgin with romantic thinking, so it was understandable.

That day was Thursday. Fuji was planning to skip the tennis practice since his sister went back home after 1 years studying abroad. He left the class early and took the short cut, which was the school backyard.

There he found an awkward scene.

Tezuka was there, looking down, and apologizing to the 'girlfriend'.

"_I am sorry. I couldn't continue our relationship. I dream of someone else. I love… someone else." _

The girl was shocked and started crying. She asked softly, "_Was it… Fuji-kun you like all along?"_

"_Eh?"_

"_I know it since the start… I just couldn't win against him. And you are cruel, Kunimitsu-kun. You accepted me just because you wanted to make sure that you were normal, am I wrong?" _The girl rambled.

Tezuka was silent, but he nodded softly. The girl sighed and smiled.

"_I understand. I am sorry too, since I was actually in love with the love itself; and not you… if I love you, I should have known earlier and dumped you. Honestly you were my ideal type, and I thought it would be wonderful if we get married. But now I couldn't win. I just don't know what to do."_

"_Are you… angry? You can hit me if you like."_

"_Angry?"_ the girl smiled painfully. "_It will be wonderful if I can name this feeling angry or jealousy. But no. this is defeat. I just couldn't get angry… I mean… my rival is not even the same gender as me… how should I react, I doubt t myself. Anyway; I hope you tell him that you like him. Otherwise Fuji-kun may leave you, you know?" _

Tezuka nodded. The girl wiped out her last tears and slapped his cheek hard.

"_let me hit you once." _She said. "_So I have my dignity back."_

Tezuka smiled too. Fuji gasped, loud enough to make the two of them realized that he was there. The girl looked at Fuji.

"_Now you two can have your confession. I am leaving." _She smiled. "_Hope all the best for you guys." _

Fuji smiled to the ceilings. That girl was actually an awesome girl… she was so matured and she received the whole situation calmly. He doubted that he could be that calm when he was in her place. Especially after being treated so kindly by Tezuka, with that gentleman nature of his.

Since then their relationship has rocketed sky-high. They officially become boyfriends and not boy friends. Tennis club members had accepted them as the official couple of the semester and Fuji was also called the mistress of the father (since Oishi has always been the mother of the club). It was a bit hurt, but all in all, it was fun. Especially with the two new juniors, Momoshiro Takeshi and Inui Kaidoh. The first one was the all cheerful jockey guy, and the second was the loner. Fuji was particularly happy Kaidoh was there, because Inui's unhealthy attention on Tezuka had changed into weird obsession on the snake boy. This saved him a great deal of evil deeds to separate the data freak from his lover.

Kawamura Takeshi, the guy he went out with last time has hooked up with a sister of Tachibana's. Fuji wished them well, because Kawamura in the end did have a serious relationship with an opposite gender and they had passed their past relationship, good enough to smile at each other and talked about their own boy/girlfriends. In a way, Fuji felt lonely since there will be no more Kawamura whom spoiled him rotten, but now he had Tezuka to play with until he satisfied.

Tezuka, on the other hand, was so deliciously innocent. He was practically bowing down before their first sex, asking for permission and guidance. Tezuka kneeled down in front of naked sitting-on-bed Fuji.

"_I am sorry for my inexperience. But I think I have understood the theory. Please grant me your guidance." _

Fuji couldn't stop laughing, and in the end they had their first time with Fuji still laughing when they came all into the condom (of course Tezuka is having a condom too, despite coming in Fuji's ass. So in a way both of them were coming into condom). For an innocent inexperienced guy like Tezuka, he was prepared. He had a lube, he had stacks of condom (another thing that made Fuji laughed his ass off: Tezuka has bough the flavoured condom, namely banana, chocolate and strawberry flavour. When Fuji asked why he bought flavoured one, Tezuka blushed and said that he wanted Fuji's arse hole to feel good with the flavour. God knows how long Fuji had a good laugh) and he even bought a small towel to wash Fuji afterwards (Fuji felt ticklish but happy when Tezuka gently wiped his body off the liquids of various sources). It was fun. Tezuka's member wasn't as big as Kwamura's, but it was longer and Fuji liked it better. Not only it could touch deeper into him, Tezuka's shape fits perfectly inside his, and he never felt any resistance from his body when Tezuka entered. Kawamura was big and sometimes it was all pain and not pleasure.

He had gotten good, that Tezuka. Fuji smiled to himself. Last night they did it 3 times. It was good, considering Tezuka was an amateur. They had their first sex just 3 weeks ago (yes, believe it or not, finally Tezuka was ready to overcome his fear and embarrassment and asked Fuji to have sex with him. despite all the advances Fuji played to Tezuka, Tezuka was unmoved), and since then Tezuka demanded almost every night. Fuji happily complied, but he started to get fed off it. Making love wasn't the only thing a couple can do, right? He started to miss all those dates, spending time purposelessly around the park, chatting endlessly (a one way chat—Tezuka mostly just listen) in the empty changing room. Now they did it everywhere (even the park) just for the sake of desire. It started to get stale. Fuji sighed.

He felt good, yes. But his butt started to get hurt now. He luckily didn't have haemorrhoid yet, but his arse have stretched a bit somehow. And it felt weird. Especially when he needs to sat down for long time. He was no woman.

Will Tezuka comply if he asked him to be his bottom? Fuji liked to be the bottom—but he will also welcome the rare chances of being the top. He is a man after all. Fuji couldn't ask now, surely. Tezuka might freak out. So he was bidding his time. So many wishes, so many desires, so little time, so many risks.

Again, Fuji felt he was so small.

______________

The new day has finished. Fuji was sitting beside the stoic captain, who was reading the name list of the newcomers. Tezuka looked so deliciously cute that Fuji couldn't help but tease him. He blew a bit of air seductively into Tezuka's ear.

Usually Tezuka will react straight away asking Fuji to stay serious, but now he sat there unmoved.

Maybe he was too absorbed and the air was too soft. Fuji talked ro himself. He tried again the second time.

Harder.

No reaction.

Harder.

No reaction.

Fuji gets irritated. In the end he shouted into the ear, "TEZUKA KUNIMITSU!"

Tezuka snapped back from his mind. "Yes?"

"Why are you so occupied with the name list? You even forget I am here."

Tezuka blushed. "No,no." He stammered. "I was looking into this particular name…"

"Who?"

"…This Echizen Ryoma. If I am not mistaken, Echizen sounded a lot like Echizen Nanjirou, the samurai rookie."

Fuji sensed danger. This is an unwelcomed situation. Tezuka was now hooked up with the new guy.

Stop it, Fuji said to himself. It's just because of tennis. He knows Tezuka was a tennis maniac. The injured shoulder of his couldn't even stop Tezuka from playing that sport. And Fuji knows that if he, by chance, quit tennis, Tezuka might also end up their relationship.

So he called himself to calm down. But Fuji knows; something was bonded to happen.

* * *

_I am back after all these time vacuum..._

_Written while reading the lecture notes about brain and sensation. _

_TBC  
_


	6. Chapter 6

Author note: this time is long, so you can skip it.

_Thank you for the critique. Well, honestly I felt myself divided into two: One, Shut the F*ck off because I know damn well how good I could be and I am no fat girl in front of the TV. Two, thank you for reminding me how suck I am and thus, I could see how ridiculous my story seemed. Honestly, when I reread everything, it felt like reading my own diary. I felt embarrassed. I could see how I just write [truthfully]; trash..._

_I am not stable. I wrote this just based on everything I love. I love drama. I love tragedy. I love angst. I love insecurities (I am one insecure child; I was expected to live by my own since I was 12). I knew damn well how to cry, self mutilation, depression and I love to write about feelings. _

_And I love suicide attempts._

_My dream was always about me, on the hospital bed with suicidal scar marks on my wrist/neck and my parents apologizing around my bed. Hey, I am honest! _

_So this is this time author's note and you can guess what happen in this chapter. _

_Enjoy!

* * *

_

It started from the very morning. Fuji was ready to go to school, having a new excitement about another new day of meeting Tezuka and the club. It's been a fine week, excluding the fact that Ryoma was openly flirting with his Tezuka. He will make the cocky newbie knows his place today. Fuji smiled sadistically. He went down, and saw both of his parents at home.

It was a rare sight. Both of them were busy people; busy with works and lovers. None of them would like to be home without good reason. So Fuji was fascinated and came closer. He listened as he came close.

"_That's why, I will take Yumiko and you'll take Syuusuke and Yuuta!" _

"_I won't agree with that .I will take Yuuta, but Syuusuke… he should be your responsibility! You know how boys need their father, right?"_

"_But I had taken Yumiko with me! You should take care of him since you are his mother!"_

"_But you are cheating! Yumiko is going to be married soon and I take Yuuta, so Syuusuke is yours!" _

"_She is married to my boss' son, so I need her. About Syuusuke… You know how hard he is… come on, you can take both of the boys!"_

"_I am taking Yuuta already! So you better take the rest."_

"_You are trying to hand everything on me, don't you? You take Yuuta because he is better than Syuusuke. I know it. I don't want him either. So meet you in court then." _

"_Yes. Yumiko is yours and Yuuta is mine. Syuusuke… will be with the loser." _

"_Fine." _

Fuji swallowed. It was no secret that sooner or later, his parents are going to have divorce. It was no secret that Fuji's relationship with his parents is the worst compared to his siblings. It was no secret that they won't really care about what happen with the second Fuji. But having them fighting in front of his eyes, hearing how bad they didn't want him, how they passed the responsibility of Fuji Syuusuke to each other for real, making Fuji felt like he was a shit.

Worthless. Unloved. Unwanted. Trash. Insignificant.

He knocked the door. Both parents turned and found Fuji by the door.

"Oh, you are home." His mother said without even smiling. "Easier then. Which one of us will you choose when we get divorce?"

"I recommend your mother." His father smiled to his son. "She is better for you since she could understand what you feel, as a gay."

"Oh, so just because he is a gay, I will understand him better? Is that what you mean? That's why you are a jerk, you always look down to female, racist!"

"Well, what do you expect? I don't want to see my son having a boyfriend, for God's sake!"

"Oh, so you think I would love to see that?"

Fuji was silent. He didn't know how to start. He didn't know how to tell them what he felt. He didn't even know how to feel anything either, since both of his parents didn't even consider his feeling. Being gay was everything for them. Once they knew Fuji was gay, everything changed. It's like being gay was the worst sin ever, and Fuji wasn't human anymore because he is gay.

"… Am I not your son?"

Both of his parents looked away. They were silent, and then leave the room. Before leaving, his father spoke to none in particular.

"We will leave the paper on the table by tonight. Just choose. Think it over."

Fuji nodded to the air, listening to the sound of closing door. He stumbled to the floor, wishing he could be gone from the world on that instant.

Worthless. Trash. Unwanted. Unloved. Hard.

Nobody will stay even if he asked.

*****

He skipped the first and second lesson. He came at the third, greeted by Eiji and his smile.

"Nyaa~! You are late, Fujiko! What happened?"

"Oh, I missed the train. And I missed the station. So I was late." Fuji smiled as usual, taking his seat. It was a good thing that he was born with small eyes. So when he couldn't open his eyes like this, nobody will notice. Nobody will notice how badly he wanted to cry.

"You missed English! So good! There was a simple test, and frankly, I don't think I could pass that…. Anyway, we have practice today!"

Fuji nodded, acting all cheerful and fulfilled his duty as the club's cat's friend. He laughed at Eiji's actions and went on the day acting like usual. And he was quite surprised he could smile. Maybe all along he was acting, lying to himself. Smiling has been so easy now, it's like a mask he wore every minute every day in front of people.

Maybe all along he has lost his own self.

******

Fuji stared at the scene before him. When he opened the door, he did expect someone was already inside the changing room, but not those two people. And he couldn't believe what he saw. He saw Ryoma was pulling Tezuka to him, and they kissed.

They _ Kissed. _

It was like the confirmation of everything. Ryoma has been flirting with the cool captain since he came, and everybody knew Fuji had done everything he could to separate the cocky brat from his boyfriend. But Fuji might have turned a blind eye on his boyfriend's reaction. Maybe all along Fuji was making himself belief that Tezuka didn't like the brat, when actually Tezuka did feel something about Ryoma. Maybe that's why despite all Fuji's efforts to separate them away, Ryoma could always find a chance. Because Tezuka wanted to give Ryoma a chance.

Fuji clutched his palms, and walked into the room. He smiled while opening his locker door.

"Do you want to explain?"

Ryoma was silent, although he was smirking. Tezuka paled and stood up, came nearer to Fuji.

"It wasn't like what you think. It was a mistake…"

"What was a mistake, you kissing him or you sleeping with me as my boyfriend?"

"This is ridiculous…" Ryoma tried to speak up. Fuji smiled and flashed him the sign to shut up.

"No. Don't tell me anything now. I can't have it now. Not today. No. not now." Fuji sighed. He slammed his locker door, then walking fast to the door. "I'll leave now. It's fine. Just continue. I will pretend I didn't see anything. Meet you two in the court."

He closed the door behind him. Lucky his eyes always closed. So no tears come out. His heart throbbed. Oh, that was so cliché. The best worst day ever. First his parents wanted a divorce. Second they made a point of not wanting him in their lives. Third, finding his boyfriend snogging with the cocky brat. Forth, realizing that actually nobody will stay by him.

Maybe it wasn't even their faults. Maybe that was Fuji's own fault for thinking he was wanted by people around him. Maybe all along, people were fed up with him. Maybe they were trying their best to accept him just because they don't want to hurt him. So maybe he wasn't supposed to be there.

Maybe what everyone needs was for him to fade away.

He wanted to skip the practice, but Eiji caught him and took him into the court. So he run and practiced, while keeping his mouth and eyes shout. Suddenly Ryoma grabbed his hand.

"Have a match with me." He smirked. "And the winner gets him."

Fuji looked at Tezuka, who was watching both of them silently from the other end of the court. He looked like usual, stoic and unaffected. Fuji sighed. He knew it. Tezuka won't care if he lost. Maybe Tezuka even wished Fuji lost, so he could go out with the cocky first year. Maybe Tezuka had already fed up with him and his needs. Maybe Fuji wasn't even loved by him all along.

Maybe Tezuka thought that Fuji was just a convenient partner until someone he really loves came. And since the brat is here already, so Fuji could be discharged. Fuji smiled to himself. Poor, poor him. So pathetic.

But Fuji didn't like losing, and he won't lose.

*****

Halfway through he did think of giving up to Ryoma, but then, again, Fuji hates the word losing with passion. So he did his best and yes, he won by 6-4. It was the toughest and most interesting match. Everybody was too stunned even to breathe because the ball kept getting hit over and over the net every second.

He won. Fuji smiled to the exhausted Ryoma. The cocky rookie looked like he was bashed by a hard baseball bat. He couldn't believe he lost against his feminine sempai. Ryoma clutched his hand.

"It was a nice game."

"…mada mada dane."

Fuji came to claim his prize. He walked towards Tezuka and reached the towel Tezuka was holding.

"Thanks. You are mine then."

"… Were you two betting using me?"

Fuji smiled. "Yes, Tezuka. We were using you as the bet. And I won. So come with me. Fuck me until I satisfied."

Tezuka was silent, but he didn't complain when he was pulled by Fuji to the empty classes after the practice.

*****

It was hard, to smile while having sex. Fuji wanted to cry so badly. The sex didn't even feel good. It felt like hurting and punishing him. It was the last, Fuji kept reminding himself. He just wouldn't want it to end because once they both reached the climax, everything will cooled down and Tezuka will go to Ryoma. Fuji just knew it.

Tezuka was gentle. Fuji felt like Tezuka was trying to make up for his fault letting Fuji caught him kissing Ryoma. He was so gentle it hurts. The usual Tezuka won't be gentle except he thought he has made a mistake and needed to appease Fuji's anger. And Fuji likes it. Being treated gentle… he always loved to be treated like he could break. Because in reality nobody won't even cared if he broke.

He didn't want it to end, because he knew he would be alone once they finished. Tezuka won't called him at night (as usual, because Tezuka always said he wasn't that good with phone) and Tezuka won't care what happened to him. Tezuka won't volunteer himself to bring Fuji home. Tezuka won't volunteer to stay with him. Tezuka didn't even know that his parents were divorcing. Fuji suspected Tezuka didn't even care. He never asked, so Fuji never tells.

So when he could feel Tezuka come inside him, Fuji let go his first tears that day. The start of the endless flow of waterfall that night. No, no. he came. So the night will end. Everything will leave him. And he could feel he came on Tezuka's chest.

It's cold. He shivered.

He started to sob. His chest hurts. No, No. he will be alone tonight. No. no. no.

"Fuji… about just now, it was a mistake. Sorry."

Fuji blinked. _What_?

"I didn't mean to kiss him, it was a mistake."

_Oh_. Fuji sighed. _He was right_. Tezuka was gentle because he thought Fuji was mad at him kissing the cocky brat. And the despair enveloped Fuji. Tezuka just don't understand everything. For him what matters was tennis and being fair. Fuji wanted to laugh, but that made his sob louder.

"Fuji, I am sorry… look, I promise I won't do anything like that again. I will be gentle too. So stop crying, OK?"

Fuji smiled while tears still coming down his eyes. "No, It's not that." He woke up from the table and grabbed his clothes. "No, I am fine. I just opened my eyes and saw the truth. You like him. So be it. I am fine. I was always fine anyway. So… let's break up."

"Fuji, listen, you need to listen. I didn't want to kiss him; I was just trying to…"

"Let's be honest. Even I know its hard being with me. He is better. So I am perfectly fine. Let's end this relationship. That was the good bye sex. Anyway, we started as sex buddies. Funny." Fuji pulled his trousers and buttoned his uniform. "See you. Bye."

He walked away while trying to control his sob. He couldn't get into the train crying like that. But Tezuka grabbed his arms from the back.

"Wait."

"What?" Fuji started to feel anger rise in his blood. "Let me cry alone, can't you? Or you want to laugh at my pathetic face too? Isn't it enough to pretend you like me when actually you like that rookie? It's hard on both of us, so let's just end this. I am getting tired of staying with people who don't want me."

"Fuji, listen, I…"

"No need to explain, I understand. So see you. Bye."

Fuji took his arm away harshly and went away. He wanted to go home. He wanted to be inside his room. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to forget everything. He was never good with dealings with loneliness, and his room was always a sanctuary.

******

He came home and found nobody was inside. Just like usual. Fuji wiped his tears away but they kept coming. Maybe being gay has some connection with his tear gland. He is more sensitive to stuff like this. Laughing it off was the best thing to do.

And he saw the paper. It was on the dining table, just like his father's promise. The paper was printed with all the law procedures and his choice of mother or father side. He should choose between the two boxes. The paper says that he should choose by the next two days. The paper said that both of his parents had said they will agree to whomever he chose. The paper said that he will be guaranteed by the law to have good upbringing. The paper said that he could choose his own future but if he couldn't choose, then the court will decide for him.

The paper told him everything. The paper wasn't even human. A piece of paper.

He closed his room's door. Everything looked normal, like usual. His parents weren't home; his sister was in her apartment with her fiancée, Yuuta was staying in the boarding house. Everything should be normal. But it wasn't and Fuji knew it. He should be getting used of the silent and darkness already. He should get used to the loneliness. He should understood by now that he was a trash, worse even, a burden.

On the study table there was a frame. Inside was the picture of the current tennis club. They felt more like family to him rather than his real one. But now he doesn't feel like they do. He smashed the table. The frame crashed to the floor and scattered into ceramic and glass pieces. Fuji took the glass, first intending to throw it carefully before he could burn the photo, but then the glass tore his skin.

Blood came from his finger. Red.

He was still crying, mind you. He couldn't stop sobbing. Even people in the subway were looking at him like he was a freak. Some granny offered her handkerchief to him. He declined politely, knowing that it was just a polite gesture to offer somebody your handkerchief because they were crying. He was sure the granny didn't really want to have her handkerchief soiled with his tears and sobs.

Red looked by teary eyes producing kaleidoscope effect. The blood looked so pretty. Fuji smiled. He took some of bigger glass pieces and stabbed it to his left hand. More blood rushing out. The pain in his head was blocked by emotions. Fuji laughed.

Stab more. More red. Pretty.

People like pretty things, aren't they?

*****

* * *

The next chapter might be the end~

This story is pure selfishness of mine. I can say I love this chapter. People who read this until this chapter can say they know me now. Hi, friends~

I will be waiting for another critique, K-san… (or anybody, just flame it, I would be glad to bitch for next author's note).

Anyway, thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

Author's note: Last one, so it's long too.

_To K-san, again, thanks for the critique. Different reactions filled me. Like, shut the fu*k up or thank you very much. My point is, complaining didn't help, yes. But when you complain, it just gone, better. Sometimes what we need is just a listener, or in this case, a reader. And I am not yet having any kind of suicidal attempts that CLEAR. I am not that rushed. I am a coward, I admit. Every tablet I drink I vomit back out. So I haven't yet ended up in hospital. (for some other reasons like broken sacrum or massive dehydration I did, but that's beside the point). But I have researched. _

_And my English? I am being rude but for me as long as people understand what I want to convey, I am fine with it. It's the choice of readers to read. And I always read everything I can understand. So it's fine by me. You seemed like a hard person, but I starting to like you. Not in a Florence Nightingale unconditioned kindness way, just like a 'hey, you are not that bad' kinda way. Do you want to be my beta if you cared about my grammar that much? _

_Thank you for giving me a topic to write on. And Mitsuke-chan,- san, I thank you for giving me the courage to post this one. Someone gotta talk. Someone gotta listen. And that's the theme for this chapter. And to my other reviewer (sorry about not writing your names), Fuji is my second fave character too (after Yukimura Seiichi). I won't kill him if I don't need to. XD_

_Enjoy!

* * *

_

When he woke up, all he wanted to do was sleep back in. Everything was white and light and hard. It wasn't his bed, it wasn't his pillow. His bed was fluffier and his pillow wasn't that tall. He looked up, white ceilings welcomed him.

"Syu-chan! You are back! Are you OK? How do you feel?" A female sound he knew greeted him in panic. Fuji smiled, automatically.

"I am fine, nee-san. Why are you here? Why am I here?"

Her sister looked like a mess. Her mascara was ruining her pretty face with two black lines coming down each cheek. She didn't seem to care, with all the tears and sobs. "I found you on the bed last night. I thought you were sleeping, but then I saw you so pale and when I opened the bed cover you were red, all covered in blood. I was so scared, you stupid! Why did you do this to yourself!?"

"What did I do?"

"You damaged your hand, bloody idiot! You stabbed your left hand until you damaged most of the major nerves. Luckily they could sew back your arteries and veins, but now… you might ended up losing your hand! And you were bleeding so much that they thought we lost you for a second…"

"Nee-chan, relax…" Fuji tried to move his left arm, but yes, it didn't move at all. He changed to his right and grabbed his crying sister's arm. "I am fine now, and I am sorry for being an idiot."

"Yes, you better be sorry."

"… sorry." Fuji repeated his apology. He looked around. "… where's mom? Or… dad? Or… Yuuta?"

"They are not here, but Yuuta is coming soon. I called him just now and he is on his way. Anyway, who cares about them? I saw the paper on the table, Syuusuke. I was thinking if you want to be with me instead."

"nee..chan?"

"Dad called me last night to say they want a divorce. I don't care, but then I remembered you. I thought I could offer you to live with me. My fiancée said it was fine. So I came. And lucky I came. Lucky I still remember you. You bloody stupid teenager."

"… Why do you remember me?"

"Why? Of course I will! You are my brother, for God's sake!"

"Won't you think it's better if you just forget I am not there?" Fuji chuckled. "Our parents tried their best to do that."

"I am not. Because I love you." Yumiko stood up, gently cupped Fuji's cheek on her hands. "Look at me, Syuu-chan. Do you think we are not a family? You are my brother and I will make sure you live through with that."

"But nee….chan, I don't… they don't want me, so I thought you too, and then Yuuta left home and… it was lonely inside the home, you know, and … and… I don't want to impose, so why don't I just go? I… don't want to make it clearer that everybody hates me! And I did… truthfully, honestly, I didn't try to commit suicide, it was just some glasses and stabs, I thought the blood gonna stop gushing out if I sleep, so I went to sleep… I didn't even think I will end up here! Nee-chan, tell me you don't mad at me? I am an idiot, yes, but I you hate me too, then I … maybe I…"

"I understand, Syuusuke. I understand…"

"… No, you don't. Dad wants you. You hold a value for him. But who wants me? Nobody!!! Just because I prefer man? Just because I prefer to be hugged and not to be the one who hug? Just because I wanted to find safety since I couldn't find it from home? Dad always loves you, admit it, he likes you. Mom was always with Yuuta. And I, I need to wait! Because it's always you or Yuuta first! I didn't matter! So I am searching for a place where someone could give me a damn as if I am number one! And that makes me lesser than a human. That makes me a sinner. That makes me a trash. You don't understand. Just go. JUST…"

Anger and frustration replaced his former guilt and sadness. Fuji yelled at his sister, the first time in his life. He wanted to cry. But the baffled sister of his didn't even flinch.

"Fuji."

The sound of Tezuka Kunimitsu stopped unstable Fuji from further yelling. He glanced over and found the whole tennis club members were on the door, looking worriedly. Fuji blushed. Oh, the shame. The shame of get caught yelling. He was a perfect sadist, he never yells. He always plays it cool. But now everybody saw him in his worst state. Great.

"Fujiko… nyaa, we are… just worried about you. Can we… come in?" Eiji asked in small voice, wondering if he asked the right thing since he never hears a single yell from the tensai.

Fuji swallowed. "why… are you here? Who called you?"

"Me." Her sister rose up, trying to erase the smudge on her cheek. "I'll retouch my make up for a while, you go and be with them first. Be polite, Syuusuke."

"…yes."

"Good boy. I knew you always are. We will talk later."

Fuji stared at his smiling sister. He was just yelling at her and she still smiled for him. What was that? Is she out of her mind or what?

_Because you are my family. _

Why now? Why did she say it just now? Why did she say it like it was the only truth that matters, just now, when Fuji has decided to give up? Why did her words make him felt like a pathetic little boy; the one who only thought about himself and cried wolf? Why he felt rather guilty now?

"Fuji… How are you? Are you OK? What happened?" Oishi smiled awkwardly, taking a seat beside the bed. Fuji realized that he wasn't alone in the room and came back to his consciousness. The other members of the club took their places, leaving Tezuka a straight access to the bed and the cocky first year no accesses to even see a glimpse of Fuji.

Fuji sighed. He was partially grateful and embarrassed. This meant everybody knew what had happened between the first year, Tezuka and him. Or at least have their own version of what happened between the three of them. Fuji looked for escape. He smiled at Eiji and Oishi, pretending he didn't see the captain and the rookie.

"I am fine. It was just a small accident. I hurt my hand with the broken frame. Nothing much." Fuji showed his bandaged hand, trying to move it around. But it seemed so clear that the hand wasn't as good as it used to be. Fuji just realized he couldn't move his middle and little fingers.

"It's seemed so deep and painful, nyaa…" Eiji stared at the bandages which covered the whole left arm. "But you can still play tennis, don't you?"

"… I don't know." Fuji smiled grew tired, realizing that this was the main reason they came to see him. Just to make sure he was still useable as a tennis player. It's tennis or nothing. If Fuji couldn't play now, then he won't be count as friends in this circle anymore.

No. he shouldn't think too much. They might be just saying it; they might be really worried about him. He sighed. How much could he trust anybody? How much could he believe that they were there for him and that's all?

"I heard that the rehab gonna be a little tough." Inui stepped in and smiled. "From the data I collected, you will be off this hospital by tomorrow but still need rehabilitation to move your finger. That will take about 3 months. And you require a psych consult."

Fuji was taken aback. "… Psych consults? Why do I need them?"

"Because they believed you were trying to kill yourself."

The room was silent, and Fuji thanked the insensitive Inui to bring the matter in front of all the members. Now everybody knew, Tezuka knew and the cocky first year knew. Great. He couldn't hide anymore. What should he do? Explaining the real thing that he wasn't even trying to kill himself? But they would think of him as a disturbed, coward gay.

"I am not…! Fine. I am telling the truth. I wasn't even thinking of killing myself. The frame was … well, I throw it and it broke, and the glass pierced through my skin when I was collecting the shattered pieces, and … well, when I saw the blood, I thought it was quite pretty…. Fine. I am a freak. I am a weird, disturbed coward. And gay, on top of that. I believe you all know. And now I don't need pity. I don't need attention. If you worried about tennis, I assured you I will play if I could, but if the doctor says no then I will quit the team. Who think of me as disgusting, you are more than welcome to vomit and leave this room. Who thinks of me as stupid, you are free to laugh. I don't care anymore."

Silent was forced into the awkward atmosphere. Fuji flipped his head to the side, refusing to see any of his team members. He would open his eyes when everybody has leave. He would bask in his depression, enjoying the truth about how alone he was. Funny when he thought somebody could receive him. He did like Taka, because he was so gentle. And he did, love Tezuka, although the captain was never gentle. After all every human comes and goes to and from the world alone. So he would be fine alone too.

"… How about the others, who really cared and worried and don't find you funny or disgusting? How about me… you best friend, nyaa?" suddenly Eiji stepped out, shouting. "I don't think you are stupid. You are tensai, you get better results in everything we do! I never think you are disgusting, just because you are gays. People just can't choose their destiny, right? I believe we were the best of friends, so…. How about me? Should I leave the room too?"

"Eiji's right." Oishi stepped in. "How about people who genuinely wanted you back? We need to you to win the winter tournament, Fuji. And even though you couldn't play, or you need to rest, I believe having you cheered for us from the team seats meant more than just winning."

"From my data, the psych consult wasn't as bad as you think. It's just a protocol you need to take. If you were fine, you won't need to continue it." Inui added, trying to make up for his mistake.

Fuji bite his lower lips. "… don't… saying stupid things like that. … You embarrassed me."

"Nyaaa~? Fujiko's embarrassed~! Nyaaa~!!! Can I stay, then? I would love to embarrass you more!"

Fuji blushed and pouted, but smiled immediately. Eiji hugged him, burying his head on Fuji's neck. "I am glad you are fine, nyaa…."

"Thank you." Fuji smiled back, burying his face inside his best friend's hair.

"But." Suddenly Eiji let go the hug. "I believe you and Tezuka need to talk. Oishi, could you please make everybody leave the room for the two of them?"

Oishi smiled, answering the order of his double; who suddenly showed so much maturity. As the Seigaku's mother hen, he ushered the whole team out leaving the stoic captain (who stood stiff beside the bed) and Ryouma (who refused to move).

"Fuji sempai." Ryouma spoke out, when everybody was out from the room. "I believe you saw me and Tezuka-buchou kissed yesterday. And I want to explain it to you. I, do, like him. He is good and frankly, cool. But I didn't know you were already in relationship, well, I guessed but I won't count my horses, so… I force kissed him. And now… I feel sorry for what I have done."

"… What do you want then?" Fuji answered coldly. "Do you want to laugh at the truth? We are no longer together, me and him. So you can… count your horses now."

"No. We are still perfectly together." Tezuka suddenly spoke, stern and calm.

"Right." Ryoma grinned. "So Fuji sempai, please get well soon. And then… I will make you pay for my lost." He pulled his cap and left the room, leaving Fuji with the stoic buchou.

Fuji sighed. "What did you mean by we are still 'perfectly' together? It was clear that you gave him chances, you like him as well. I want full devotion. If you think you can be with me and him at the same time, I think we better call this stupid relationship off. I am a tensai with beauty, many likes me, so…"

"… Then why did you cut your wrist? Isn't that because you think nobody loves you anymore? That's why you were crying… the last time we…"

"If you want to stay with me because you pity me, you pretty much have crushed my pride, Tezuka Kunimitsu. I don't need your pity. I am not that terrible to be pitied by you…"

His words were swallowed by Tezuka's mouth. Their lips crashed, and it was the first time Tezuka initiated a rough kiss. Fuji tried to pull out, but Tezuka kept barging in, and in the end Fuji gave up. He enjoyed the tongue, the touch, the lips. So… nostalgic, even though he did have them just yesterday.

Tezuka broke their kiss softly and gently pecked Fuji's forehead, cheek and nose. He brought the tensai into his embrace, whispering words he wanted to speak out but didn't know how to start.

"I… would never abandon you. I would gladly accompany you yesterday, making you know that you are loved, if only you tell me what's wrong. You never tell, and I respected your privacy, but now… I think I was foolish of giving you such privacy. I thought our relationship was something mature, we are both more mature than our age, yet… sorry. I sometimes forgot you are a child too, and we do need to talk thing out. I expected you to understand me while you expected the reverse from me. And we are not adult yet. We are still… too childish. I am sorry. I am sorry for not paying more attention to you. So… don't hurt yourself again? It's rather… painful to see you lying on the bed with the bandages."

"…" Fuji could feel his tears coming back. Comforting scent of Tezuka's and the arms around him made Fuji knew he was at least, loved by his (ex) boyfriend. Tezuka did really love him. And maybe he still was, that moment. Suddenly he felt so stupid. He thought everything from his point of view, he didn't think about other aspects and possibility. He was blinded by the fact that his parents rejected him and made a simple conclusion that nobody loves him. And the kiss… he should have known. He should have give Tezuka the chance to explain. Yet he didn't and maybe he couldn't because he was busy protecting himself from further (expected) hurt that time. "I am sorry too…"

"I heard about your parents… and if they don't want you, I want you. You can stay with me. We can share an apartment together. I am ready… to move out if you don't want to move into my house."

"A…" Fuji was speechless. "Are you… proposing to me?"

"…" Tezuka blushed, hugged Fuji tighter. Fuji flinched, but enjoyed the pressure. He smiled.

"Thank you, Tezuka. I love you too."

************

* * *

One chapter down. And I think the next will be the conclusion.

Now, what will you say, K-san? (It's rather fun now, expecting you to critique me). I am a maso (I guess).

Everybody have their own depressing times. I had passed mine. When I thought back, it sounded ridiculous, but at that time, I did believe I was the poorest in the world. So I respect all of you who are in your bottom(est) pit now. I believe it would get better, or if not, I pray it would get better.

CHEEERS~! Reviews would be much appreciated.


	8. Chapter 8

Thank you very much for the support I have received through the story. I am really grateful that I have understanding and lovely readers such as you guys~!!! I decided that some feelings aren't to be rush and maybe, maybe, MAYBE one day I would meet the so called love.

Lonely. It ended up here.

* * *

"I am sorry… nee chan." Fuji swallowed hard and apologized to his dear sister. Yumiko looked stern and unmoved by her brother's words. They were seated on the sofa facing each other at her new house. Fuji's head was down and although he was seated properly on the sofa, his whole body radiated fear and submission as Yumiko was clearly, clearly, angry.

Fuji was discharged yesterday, after a week of confinement inside the boring hospital room. Fuji, a tensai he was, felt bored after three days inside that silent hospital. After passing his sanity test, Fuji charmed the whole floor's nurse and his attending doctors. Eventually he was proved to be healthy (both physically and mentally) to leave the hospital. Tezuka was still a bit jealous whenever he remembered the scene of Fuji leaving the hospital. The nurses were crying and the doctors were waving their hand. Seemed like Fuji had been their favourite patient in the whole floor, judging on how many flower bouquets (and their sizes) told Tezuka that Fuji was indeed dearly adored by the hospital staffs. Fuji wanted to smile whenever he remembered how Tezuka possessively took his waist (considerably thinner since the hospitalization—the tasteless hospital food was to blame) and whispered, _"They should know you are mine."_

_"You get jealous, Mitsu?" _Fuji was only teasing when he asked the question, yet Tezuka nodded solemnly and grunted.

Oh. At least they have started to communicate better.

Back to the present time, Fuji didn't dare to stare at his sister. Yumiko was a kind, pretty woman everybody liked; yet being her little brother for years has made Fuji learnt the hard way to never made her angry. Now he had certainly crossed the line and he knew she would explode.

He was waiting to be either scolded/screamed at/hit/punched/ called names when suddenly a warm fluffy thing was dropped on top of his knee.

"You know how much I want to kick you now, Syuusuke. Stupid. And surely you will get punished. _That_. Take care of _that_ until you understand."

"Nee chan? What..?" Fuji was a bit lost about what his sister was talking about when suddenly the fuzzy ball on his knees purred and revealed a small, black kitten. The kitten was awaken because of the motion being thrown into Fuji's lap. It hissed and purred, clawed the perfectly white thigh as soft as a kitten could be and yawned loudly.

"I am going for a business trip to New York with my fiancée. You, meanwhile, would take care of this house and Kuro."

"Eh? But I am still in rehab; I don't think I can take care of the house with one hand."

"You won't be. We hired a lady to be the housekeeper. Your job is to take care of Kuro, that's all."

"Just say you wanted to go honeymoon earlier with that boyfriend of yours…" Fuji mumbled under his breath.

"What!? ~ You small brat!!!" Yumiko grabbed Fuji's hair and messed it up; Fuji laughed, felt like he was free and happy. Felt like he was a child again, back when the world was perfect and nobody hated him.

Yumiko suddenly kissed his forehead.

"I am angry, Syuu chan… but I am happier to see you fine again."

Was it funny if he felt like crying? Fuji wondered to himself. He enjoyed the touched on his head as long as possible, before his sister's fiancée came in and stole his source of comfort. Fuji smiled as he waved them goodbye—it seemed the almost-brother-in-law was afraid Yumiko would be stolen from him. Fuji laughed at the joke.

When his sister was gone, Fuji recalled the gesture. Being touched was really nice… having the warmth spread through skin contact made him realized there were reasons why he seek bodily companion from his lovers; being touched felt like being wanted. Being loved. He was loved.

He was loved by someone, even when his parents didn't. Until the end, their parents never came. They didn't even pay for the hospital bill; Yumiko took care of everything. The new brother in law was a generous man; he understood that Fuji was a dear brother of his almost-to-be wife. They both received Fuji with welcome hands and let him occupied an empty room inside their love nest. Fuji knew he needed to pretend he didn't hear any strange noises from bathroom/kitchen/bedroom in various time since now. But it was a bit painful to see once again, how clear their parent rejected his existence.

Yuuta was crying when he saw his older brother was lying helplessly in bed with infusion and bandages all around; he used to be the cry baby of the family. Fuji felt like it was a turning back time, when he was always calming his little brother down. He loves Yuuta and his brother used to love him too. For a second, everything was fine. Well, until eventually Yuuta regained his composure back and remained calm and informed Fuji that he refused to go with their mother if one of them didn't voluntarily take Fuji with them. In the end their father agreed to take Fuji.

Yuuta smiled while grabbing his brother's hand.

"_I am glad you are fine, aniki."_

That made Fuji almost cried too.

*******

Upon hearing the news, Tezuka voluntarily suggested himself as Fuji's companion/guardian when Yumiko was gone. With understanding smile, Yumiko agreed to the proposition and Fuji found himself woken up inside Tezuka's arm almost every single day since.

He knew Tezuka's arm was hurt and still on rehabilitation, and he was quite touched to find that Tezuka willingly surrender the arm to be Fuji's arm pillow. Not that it was really comfortable, but the warmth and the affection was enough to make Fuji smiled and looked forward for a day…

Until he get clawed by two sharp claws, that is. Fuji woke up to find the small black kitten was scratching his face, trying to get its guardian out of the bed and provided the milk for its breakfast. Fuji sighed. It has been almost two weeks and 90% of the time he was woken up by the claws (with the remaining 10% being woken up by a kiss from the glasses wearing prince). He was getting used to the demanding small kitten and dragged himself to the kitchen, leaving Tezuka shivered since his half naked body was exposed.

"This is your milk, Kuro." Fuji put down the plate and let the small kitten licked it. He was expecting the kitten to devour its milk so that he could use the bathroom, but it brushed its body around Fuji's leg instead. Fuji smiled softly and squatted down to pat the lovely creature.

"Are you thanking me?"

The kitten meowed softly before leaving the feet of its feeders and continued to devour the milk.

Fuji laughed before stood up and get dressed. It was Sunday and he needed to go through his rehabilitation today. His arm was slowly recovering; although he still couldn't move the three other fingers, but his thumb and pointing finger were getting better. Maybe he still had hope. Somehow he wanted to get into the court as soon as possible. Because tennis had brought him together with some of the people he cherished for life.

"Morning." Tezuka kissed his nape softly. Fuji giggled; thinking of how aggressive Tezuka had became compared to the first time they were together. Now the man didn't even feel ashamed to show off his bare chest and seduced him under the sun. their club members were broken hearted and cried together the first time they saw their awesome leader stole a kiss from their gorgeous tensai at practice time. Now Tezuka was almost glued to him; not that he hated that either. Ryouma was clearly broken hearted; but it didn't last long since Momoshiro was there to console him. Eiji was still happy as usual, with Oishi panicking at his every single thing. Fuji never knew that the world around him was that perfect.

"Morning."

"Why are you laughing?"

"No. I just amazed at how bold your advances are now…"

Tezuka grunted and kissed the nape of neck. Fuji sighed softly, aroused.

"Fu… OUCH!" Tezuka suddenly shouted, when his feet was bitten by the small black fluffy thing which implanted its sharps teeth into Tezuka's bare feet. The kitten meowed loudly before scratching Fuji, like asking him to hold it up.

Fuji laughed harder. Now he really happy. Like he was being loved by everybody he knew. The cat has been very attached to him recently. Tezuka has been attending to his every whim. The tennis club felt perfect as ever. He never met any of his parents anymore. Everything felt perfect. If only time would stop just there… where everything was so perfect…

"That damn kitten hate me, I am sure of it." Tezuka mumbled, pouting under his breath. Fuji smiled while patting the kitten inside his arms gently.

"No. Kuro likes you, right, Kuro?"

The cat hissed and buried his face inside Fuji's pyjamas (Fuji was wearing the top and the bottom was worn by Tezuka).

"See?" Fuji stared back at Tezuka, his eyes opened, lovingly. Tezuka smiled gently, cupping his lover's cheek.

"Well, if you said so. But I think I am going to enjoy the day this cat grow out from you…"

"I would be sad, then." Fuji smiled softly. "Funny how I am attached to Kuro when I didn't even liked this furry ball the first time Yumiko nee chan shoved him to me. I would be lonely when he leave me…"

"Fuji, he would remember you and will love you forever, I am sure."

Fuji looked serene for a moment before opening his mouth. Tezuka waited patiently, until his lover could find the words to explain. Ever since Tezuka told him to communicate, he tried to tell the stoic man what he felt to make sure there would be no misunderstanding between two of them.

"Maybe Yumiko neechan was trying to tell me that affection and love wasn't limited to species and gender. There are loves everywhere and it was simple to get one. Just love sincerely and your feeling would be returned. Maybe she was telling me that my parents love me too, although they said they don't want me. Just like I am sad when Kuro would leave me one day. I wonder did my parents feel lonely when they knew I was gay… maybe they felt like a failure bringing me up 'the wrong way' and angered with themselves. I wonder… will they cry when I am gone?"

"I am sure they will." Tezuka hugged Fuji; crushing the small kitten between them. " Anyway, I know I would be sad when you leave me, not like I would ever want that. I… love you."

"You teaser." Fuji giggled louder, before placing his smooth lips on Tezuka's. "Me too."

* * *

A happy ending (and cheesy). Just because I don't want to elaborate too much.

I would be grateful to have a review on the whole story-- to improve for next time.

Thank you for reading.


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